Delay

I wanted to continue to post things over the last weeks as things came to mind during the 3 year mark of losing the babies. I felt like there were many things I couldnt type into words, that ended up being good processing and praying for me. I am too hard on myself I realize, and should never make up any excuse or DELAY in sharing my heart about missing the babies, how is affects my parenting to Zoe, and even how I respond to others. So here it goes, my hardest ache right now is that they are forgotten, and my fear is I will forget details and things about them. I will continue to work through this and figure out ways that that isnt the case. I have feared the same with my dad as well, I hate it. I promise I don't say these things for sympathy whatsoever, but want to be honest with myself and others and continue to grow closer to the Lord through it and not rely on my strength. I am very thankful God knows these things and is walking with me, ahead of me, and for me.

Rule or Restore

Rule or Restore I feel like we have the choice for either our circumstances to RULE or RESTORE us. I also think for me I too often let the weight and and hurt rule. I was thinking today as I took Zoe to Jacob, Evan, Jonathan, David, Hope, and Joy's grave how much an influence I have and can have in showing Zoe God's goodness and care for us through that time in our lives, and truly how it affects us now. It was so sweet as I planted a small flower behind the babies grave, Zoe took her hand and shovel and dusted the marker off. I also enjoyed making a quick visit to Med Park 2 to take a little flower to a special ultrasound nurse, Cindy Powell. During my time being pregnant with both Zoe and the 6 we spent a lot of time with Cindy, and she was the most loving, knowledgeable friend. When we lost the babies, she was one of those people that stood beside us and helped hold our arms up. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. "So we do not lose heart.Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things seen but the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, bu the things that are unseen are eternal."

Bitter Sweet.

I have definitely had a hard time with words this week and just verbalizing the reality of where my heart is. Something bitter sweet happened today, after 3 years of getting a bill every month to pay on our hospital bill from the close to 3 week stay when losing the babies...I paid the last amount today. What a relief, yet part closure as well. It is a good thing. Zoe and I have done a lot of things outside this week because the weather has been so great, and it has been so tender and sweet to see her little smile and giggles and eyes looking at me as I share little bits and pieces about her brothers and sisters in heaven. I hope to continue to show her who Jesus is through the babies. I am thankful for this week to reflect and remember a very dark time but God glorifying time. I pray God will give more and more opportunities to love on women who have lost babies. I pray God will continue to give strength for tomorrow. Thankful for a God that cares deeply for me, and loves me when I don't deserve it.

Survival Mode.

There are parts of me that definitely feel like I am in survival mode right now. It is a place I don't want to stay.I constantly need God's strength to carry through. I have to also be really honest to say there is so much of me that doesn't want to allow myself to feel the heaviness and reality of losing my first six children. It is definitely more defined during this week, and even though the sting is less at other times the babies are not forgotten. Parts of me feel like I am in survival mode because of dealing with and going through the motions of these days. I will not lose the truth. GOd is good,I love Him, I trust Him, and I continue to see the good things He has done, is doing, and will do. For those of you who have lost a child, what parts of things helps you the most to talk about. Do people still ask you a few years down the road about your child, your experience? Here are just a few thoughts, more to come...

Remember, Reflect, Rejoice...

3 years ago, I stepped into a time that seemed quite like a nightmare. Over the course of a few weeks, we lost Jacob, Evan, Joy, David, Jonathan, and Hope. I carried our sextuplets for a little over 20 wks before things went in the worst direction possible. Over the next week I hope to try to do things to remember the babies, reflect on things the Lord has done through all of it, and Rejoice in all the Lord has in store. I will try to share thoughts along the way. In all honesty, I feel a little bit in a gloom not always knowing what this time looks like. It is crazy that it has been 3 years. It is crazy how much happened during that time and crazy all that has happened since then. Things I remember being so crucially helpful during our time in the hospital were people like our families, Brandon and Kristi, Denise, Dustin and Renie, and nurse Tressa. These folks lifted our arms to take our next steps, and held us up. I think of countless blog comments, emails, and messages from known friends and unknown friends on their knees praying, amazing. This is a start in my processing over the next week or so...these next couple of posts will prob be a bit raw. Thanks for taking the time to read.